IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT SOMEWHERE BELOW LIESA RATHER UNPLEASANT IMAGE. SCROLLING DOWN IS NOT RECOMMENDED IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE A SMALL GLIMPSE OF A MAN'S PUBES. THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND ONLY WARNING.
Reader, remember when I brought up how suspiciously similar FTF2's cover art is to Blood On The Dance Floor's? Yeah, I know, it could be a complete coincidence, but really, after several 'complete coincidences', should I really let this one slide?
If you don't know what I mean, allow me to present you with two pieces of incredibly damning evidence of plagiarism, as well as other instances of wrongdoing from Pete Burns. Oh alright, maybe it's not 'damning', per se, but let me be hyperbolic in order to prove my point, you bellend.
Let's begin by looking at the cover for their first album, Sophisticated Boom Boom.
I hate to admit it, but Pete looked quite good in some pics from this era.
For others pics, though, well...
Of course, his pubes are far from the point of this post. What does SBB's cover rip off?
Lionheart by Kate Bush.
This is no obscure album cover he ripped off, either. Kate Bush is an artist held in high regard, and this album was certified platinum. I wouldn't be surprised if such choices were made to boost SBB's profile, cause that is a very Pete Burns-ish thing to do.Not convinced yet? Here's another one, Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know. (Nothing about Youthquake is on here because that one as far as I know is original. Naturally, with it being the best post-Hussey DOA album, I'm glad I don't have to rip it a new one over this issue. Unfortunately though, there's also nothing that points toward Nude's cover being ripped off, so I won't have the joy of verbally sodomizing it.)
It was at this point in their history that they were starting to fall off, and Pete's near-constant game of verbal bloodsports with Stock Aitken Waterman (who were trying to save him from his ineptitude as a songwriter might I add) during its recording wasn't helping. MBADTK isn't that bad of an album, mind you, but it has a lot of weak spots. It'd only get worse with Nude, though.
"Omg just get to the point, ur just a hater!", you Burns fans might be saying as you show your haughty friends on the DOA Facebook group how terrible of a person I am for daring to mock your #1 crush or something. Ask and I shall deliver!
Phantasmagoria by The Damned
If you have eyes, you can quite clearly see. Not just this suspicious resemblance, but in general.
I actually gave this one a quick listen, and I love it a lot. Thousands of times better than anything DOA has ever released, honestly, which is why MBADTK's cover art [mildly infuriates me]. Ripping off stuff from better artists to look cooler instead of displaying some actual dignity and originality is as dickless as one can get (I swear to god, what I'm saying now is probably going to be turned around and used against me when I get my Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark-inspired band going... oh well!). [where is that band by the way rob, you hack]
With all that over and done with, I'd like to talk about something else that has irritated me about DOA.
I'm sure you're familiar with the song Sex Drive, right? No? Unsurprising. The track was written by a group of producers collectively known as Glam, along with Burns himself, who sang on the track. However, we're at a point in time where it's viewed almost entirely as a DOA song, and Glam has received less acknowledgement. I don't like that one bit, and on top of everything I just talked about, it's troubling in my opinion.
I'm gonna leave everything at that because that's all I've got for right now. I have tons of other gripes when it comes to Pete, but I'd rather not make that the primary focus of this blog.
(Yes, I know that the right album came out in 97, but given that FTF2 was only finished and released in 2021, I can't help but feel like this was done on purpose by the guys responsible for finishing it. It looks like shit, by the way. Was it too much to ask to give it a 1992 sort of vibe?)
I'm already sick of covering weird metal acts nobody's heard of, so for this one I would like to start by saying that Dead or Alive is, well, practically dead.
They were good until like, 1984, then Wayne Hussey jumped ship presumably because he couldn't bear to witness Pete Burns's face getting uglier, then they had one mega-hit in 1985 that rips off Luther Vandross, Little Nell, and Divine all at once because Burns was that kind of songwriter (no, being self aware does not excuse or shield you from criticism, you pillock), followed by a string of regular hits, then they stopped being tolerable altogether after Nude, Tim Lever and Mike Percy fucked off which complicated matters further, then Fan the Flame Part 1 came out and it did so badly that they shelved part 2, then Nukleopatra and Fragile happened, and at that point DOA was basically DOA in name only, and everything that made DOA good, or at least tolerable, was gone, never to return.
Flash forward a few years, Pete had a short-lived comeback on Celebrity Big Brother, where he channeled his inner cunt so hard you'd swear he actually had one. Then a few more years after he fucked off again, he kicked the bucket, followed by Steve Coy doing the same two-ish years later, meaning that any chance of a good DOA release happening was completely out of the question.
Oh, alright, the demos of the early songs are quite nice, but the bulk of it has been rereleases of You Spin Me Round. For many years I've hated the song to such an insane degree, but then in 2020 I was like "Wow! This is the greatest song ever!" Come 2024, and I'm like "...I'm not quite sure what value I saw in this. Utter rubbish." [i've softened my stance on it since writing this just so we're clear]
You know things are bad when they've run out of pics of him to use on these remixes and are now relying on AI to make more.
"Not that I think AI art is bad. This is, however." I said in 2024. I retract this statement.
One word of advice, reader, don't say any of what I just said to a... not even a Dead or Alive fan - Don't say it to a PETE BURNS FAN, because they will rip you a new asshole harder than I ripped Jozie Days one. Seriously. I found that out the hard way.
Yeah, I know, I'm waffling a bunch and putting off the review, because hoo boy, I've not been looking forward to covering this one.
In 2021, what existed of Fan the Flame Part 2 was retrieved from the archives, finished up, and released, after previously being recorded in 1992 and presumably shelved that same year. Believe me when I say this, this was not worth the wait. This is among the worst synthpop albums ever made... Still better than Fragile though, which has as much soul as infamous televangelist Jim Bakker's popped hemorrhoid.
Its release was so utterly pitiful and lacking in fanfare that for a long while on its Wikipedia page, it had a message at the top saying 'The topic of this article may not meet Wikipedia's notability guideline for music'. Let that sink in a moment, why don't you? No, that's not a joke. Go to its page and look at its edit history.
Alright. The surface scratching is over and done with. Now comes the hard part: Listening to the songs. A good chunk are 4+ minutes, with track 5 being 6 minutes. I also have not heard them since I first checked out the album when it came out, which should tell you a thing or two about how I felt about it. Before I rip these songs apart one by one, I would like to direct your attention to a sign of what's to come. Look at the titles of the songs.
Noticing a pattern here, i.e. the stupid and uncreative naming convention? Keep it in mind, cause the similarities between these eight songs (no, I'm not counting the two extended tracks) don't end there.
God have mercy.
Tonight... - Well, you can recognize the Roland drum machines. Feels like a generic 90s dance record, except worse because Pete's off-key yodeling is in it. Subject matter is typical of Dead or Alive. Not great, or even good, but tolerable.
U Were Meant 4 Me - This one became International Thing on Nukleopatra. Is it good? Not really. Chorus comes off as slightly predatory: "If I wanna make love to you, I should be able to!" ...Did he actually rhyme 'much' with 'much'? Actually, why should I be surprised? They're really keen on doing those piano-y chords. "only STAARS, SHINE SO BrIIiIIIiiiiiIIiIiIIght!" he belts out in a half-opera, half-yodel voice. Key changes near the end. Eh.
Are U Ready 2 B Heartbroken - Pete didn't write this one, funnily enough. Boy, did he bastardize it to an insane degree. The original song is quite amazing, and to see it get botched in this manner by this ugly bastard is insulting. I also distinctly notice a stringy part resembling a part of Brand New Lover... y'know, a MUCH BETTER FUCKING SONG! Yeah, I'm done with this one. Moving on now.
Where Is The Love - For once, we get a song that doesn't sound like the previous three. Very TR-808/909 drum beat, except not as obnoxiously clappy. Same piano-y chord playing style, though. Agh.
I Don't Care About Your Heart - Well, your heart stopped, Pete. Sorry, that was too dark. Anyway, chord playing style is there again, but again we've got something unique... to the album, I mean. This is still a generic 90s pop record. It offers nothing new, nothing fresh, just nothing. It's one of those things that you'd hear on MTV in the 90s and go "Oh, wow." before forgetting it when the next song comes on; it just has that energy to it. This is the longest song on the album. Why? It could've made its point in only 3 or 4 minutes. It's not like a Kraftwerk song where they make every minute worth listening to in order to justify the long length. Most of the extra space in this song is taken up by shit.
I Want 2 B With U - Okay, we're back to sounding like the first three... but this manages to be even worse. The chorus is about as attractive as Pete is (NOT VERY), and the lyrics are very tired and generic. Again, this is a generic 90s pop record with the name of one of the biggest names of mid 1980s synthpop scribbled on it, which somehow makes it more important to some people. I swear to god, I've heard more timbral and lyrical variety out of Jozie Days. Fuck this song. It's the worst the album has to offer.
Hurt Me (Did U Have 2 Hurt Me) - OoOooOOOOoo! That's how the song starts. And that's about as good as it gets. Again, EVERYTHING SOUNDS THE FUCKING SAME. Same chord playing style, same bassline sound, same boring drum beat, same-ish tempo, same yodeling that'll give Takeo Ischi a run for his money, just the same. My head hurts.
The man Pete Burns wanted to be.
Extacy - Again, this isn't a Pete Burns-penned song, and that's what makes it good. This is the strongest song on the album. Pete doesn't fuck around with his voice, and there's some elements that give a shout out to the band's golden days, like the slap bass. I'm guessing this song is where all the effort went. Well done- oh, and you went ahead and ruined it by adding in a piece of lyrics from Hooked on Love. You PILLOCK.
Overall, this isn't great. It's not great as a 90s dance-y pop album, and it is absolutely horrible as a synthpop album. Little variety, obvious trend-following, lack of any uniqueness, so on and so forth. The reasons for its shelving are evident: It was certainly a low point for this band, and during the period in time it was made, Pete was losing his grip on his talent, and strengthening his grip on lip fillers. It's unfortunate to see.
However, Dead or Alive's influence on music cannot be denied. Many artists in Japan, and indeed other places, have been inspired by their later material. You see, this is what we in the trade call 'using shit as fertilizer to grow nicer things.' Gotta give it to you, DOA, you provided some good fertilizer. That won't save you from a good charbroiling, though.
Check it out if you so please, but just know you won't particularly enjoy a good chunk of it... Unless your standards are low, which in that case, you're a Pete Burns fan - you've found exactly the right album!
Would not recommend to the average listener at all.
